So this week at school has been so very HARD! I have, for the first time in my entire life as a 5th grade teacher, actually laid in bed every morning this week thinking of ways to call in sick. I tossed them all around, Mental Health Day, my throat is scratchy, my guts are running, my dog died, you name it, I thought about it! (I went, don't worry mom!) You see the craziest things have been happening and I have felt totally out of control and in utter chaos in my classroom. Now for a person who is an orderly, collected person, one source of chaos is no reason to hide under the covers. Uncomfortable maybe but hardly a reason to duck out of your responsibility. For ME, a person who has the internal make up of a natural disaster, the additional chaos and source of unknown was really more than I could bare. I need at least one place to hold structure in my world and that source has changed greatly for me in the last 3 months.
Let me lay this out for you! 4 months ago, JY had a job that was predictable, not the best job for our family, but we knew when he left, when he got home and most importantly WHEN HE GOT PAID! STRUCTURE. We had a routine and my classroom was on track....orderly and planned out! I had a schedule for extra activities, as well as a schedule for home. Bath time, bedtime and good morning time, it was all in order! STRUCTURE. Now don't get me wrong, the schedules were not exact and often times we would break routines, but they were in place in theory and there were very few variables to consider when decisions and/or plans had to be made. So with all this structure, the Tasmanian devil that lives in my mind was not an issue and only played havoc on me. Having always been a person with an overactive mind, (I put the FIRST "D" IN ADD) I have learned to channel the "beast within" into a productive work horse of ideas and creativity (and possibly a slightly overactive mouth), as long as life is structured and unknown is in check.
Now move to this week! JY is so blessed and happy and he is home and he has a new career that the Lord is so faithfully blessing, but the old saying that God's timing is always perfect and right on time has taken on a new meaning. ON TIME is NEVER EARLY!!!! ENTER financial UNKNOWN. This time of year always brings about added stress and strain for teachers. The pressure of state mandated testing, coupled with the fact that our performance and reputation as teachers is placed in the hands of 10 and 11 year olds or even scarier teenagers...makes for a slightly frazzled teacher lady! Usually this is not a life changing ordeal. Maybe on a bad day I have a perma-scowl all night and JY has to listen to the rantings of a mad women, but hardly anything to make me consider a career change. So with this weeks mood change and serious thoughts of re-entering the world of corporate America (eeeekkkkkk), come Thursday enough was enough. I had worked late all week (6 pm or later), my principal was planning to be in my classroom the following week for my annual evaluation, and I still had no IDEA what I was going to teach my kids on Monday and I was exhausted. As I left the building at (6:30) to face my one hour drive home I sent up the words I know that God has been waiting on all week. I said "Lord, take this away. Please remove the things in my mind that are hindering my progress and Satan, I rebuke you from entering my classroom again! Father, please send clarity to me in your son Jesus Christ name I pray AMEN!" At that point I realized that I had left my iPad in my classroom and I went back in my room to get it. My friend and teaching partner was still there...(the whole teachers work from 8:00 to 4:00 and get 3 months off for summer is a total urban myth). I went in her room and my oh my how the break down flooded me. Suddenly I was able to put it all together. JY's new job, my classroom, this new state test that is completely foreign to me, all this uncertainty has been just more than I could handle, but WHY (for the life of me I will never know) WAS I TRYING TO HANDLE IT MYSELF! The devil is sooo sneaky! I had no idea he was there or that I was with holding anything at all, in fact it seemed like business as usual. But as I stood there trying to explain to Sarah (poor girl) what I was feeling and why I was having such a hard time I began to tear up. You see when you are a person of chaos, you can not live in chaos! When I left her room, I got it! The clarity I had just prayed for was delivered to me in a matter of 10 minutes in the hands of a person who had not a clue that she was being God's messenger! She did not say a word except "I am so sorry", but she listened as I allowed the Lord to walk me through it and work it out!
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (red letters). He means that stuff people! And it doesn't even need to be a "heavy" burden because God wants to be your source of comfort! STRUCTURE!
I am still so naive and childlike in my walk with God, but every single day he shows me something new! Everyday he opens a door for me and he even takes the time to lead me through it (sometimes he drags me because I am not sure he really knows what he is doing or who he is doing it to). This week we ended our 4 week bible study (JYs first bible study ever) based on the movie COURAGEOUS and throughout this process the Lord has been spurring me on (Heb 10:24) We are going to start a new small group at our church for young adults and continue to learn what God expects of us as parents/mentors of his children! We are also going to do a little "gaming" with the kiddos and show them what REAL grace and athleticism really looks like! This week I will be praying that this group is blessed and that I can share just a little bit of what God has done for us with my brothers and sisters in Christ. May God Bless you All in a way that you would know it comes from him!
Final funny story for those of you who are familiar with JY! Right after we started going to Heritage Trail, we went to a little play day and he saw a good friend of ours preach a message between events. He said "wow, that was so cool to see someone like me up there giving that message" he is not a preacher and he doesn't talk all fancy but he gave a good message that was easy to understand and I think that is really cool" So I said...I know, I love that this church is so accessible to everyone and that everyone has a voice to share God's word! He said "I know what your thinking and don't you dare go off and start volunteering me for a bible study or to lead a group or anything!" 1 1/2 years later...he finished his first bible study, stood in front of the entire church and publicly took the Courageous resolution, and we will be leading our first small group next week! THE POWER OF GOD IS TRULY AWESOME!
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